ZAP AND THE GROTTO OF DOOM

The skeleton to his left was gently rattling in the freezing breeze.

„It should be a comforting thought that others have gone the same way as I will go soon. But it isn’t,“ Zap sighed, while he tried again to find a more comfortable position. Hanging by his wrists on an exposed wall, his feet five meters above the acid waves of the Transcrapian Ocean, however, it was impossible to make himself more comfortable.

In a few hours the rising tide would reach him and then his steel body would be dissolved in the caustic acidity of the ocean.

Hot night

Zap’s thoughts went back to that distant morning, 12 days earlier, when it had all begun. That evening they had met a new friend in a bar, a broncosid named Jigger. After a hot night they were on their way back to the rocket. The sirens were still wailing a few blocks away.

„Thanks Dogness, we got away before the firepatrol came“, Spacefox said. „Imagine spending the night in the dungeon under interrogation.“

„Quite a blaze that was“, added Jelly.

They moved on in silence, when suddenly a man erupted from a dark alley, shot a quick glance at them and ran down the pavement to the megalostation. Seconds later he was followed by two robots in dark leisure suits equipped with laser-canons. „Quick, we must get the professor,“ yelled the taller robot. „Otherwise we will never find the runes,“ replied the other.

As they disappeared down the megaloescalator, Spot bent down and picked something up from the floor. „That man must have dropped this“, he said as he tried to flatten a crumpled piece of paper. All bots put their heads together and looked at the paper.

„R.o.B. – That must be the ancient Runes of Beryllum,“ Zap exclaimed excitedly. „With this secret weapon you are able to destroy entire planets. We must find the Runes and save hundreds of civilizations from certain destruction!“

„T’is fine map,“ mused Jigger. „You must cross in Verinion Vortex, go in middle of Syberia, find Nidle in Haystock, and then you get R.o.B. in here – Grotto of Doom. Easy. I would do it. Just I am little busy right now. No time really.“

All stayed silent for a moment. Evidently this was a moment to take decisions of far reaching consequences. Spot said: „I am afraid we can’t do anything. Spacefox, Zen and Jelly are indispensable in the rocket. And it would be far too dangerous for you, Zap, to go after the Runes all alone.“

„Too dangerous?!“ Zap exploded. „Nothing is too dangerous for me!“ He hit his fist on his titanium breast-plate angrily. „I will buy some crunchy bars when the shops open and then head for Verinion immediately.“

Before he set out, his friends had wished him success. They were worried, but none of them had doubted that he had the right stuff to accomplish this dangerous mission.

The Verinion Vortex

Since that morning it had been a intense succession of being beaten up, frozen, cooked, eaten alive, attacked with magnetic fields and bad odours, challenged to mortal combats, cursed, buried alive and invited to a disgusting dinner. In short, he had had a great, adventurous time!

The stunningly destructive Verinion Vortex was Zap’s first destination. Some foolhardy individuals make a sport of moving as close as possible to the Vortex and then escaping from the gravitational pull with self-made afterburners. An extremely attractive Plasmette had just lost her boy-friend in this extreme sport and was considering what to do next, when Zap turned up. While he was approaching her and striking an impressive pose, he fell unfortunately out of his ship. The gigantic sucking power of the Vortex was pulling Zap irresistibly into its maelstrom of destruction, but at the last moment he was rescued by the beautiful Plasmette. “Sometimes you must play the passive role in an adventure," Zap sighed, remembering the comforting hour that had followed his rescue.

His joints had frozen up in Syberia. Only by a lucky coincidence he had been able to thaw himself up – by rolling about in a fresh puddle of bear piss. He had sworn to himself that nobody should ever know this less than glorious episode.

In the ghastly Dungeons of Vomics he had liberated the micromechanic Professor Vontirol, who later betrayed him and turned out to be an imposter and macroeconomist.

Sword in hand, he had faced the redoubtable Prince of Perversia. Zap survived by the skin of his rusty teeth, because he could run faster than the Prince.

Then he had met his most formidable opponent - Krongghoul the Dumb. Beings all over the galactic belts and garters shake with fear when they hear his name. Beyond Krongghoul all thought must stop, they say.

Black tide raising

Zap looked down. The tide war rising. Only two meters below his oilsump - where most other beings have feet - the waves were lapping against the rock. Through the process of evolution lasting billions of years the Transcrappian rock had developed resistance to the corrosive sodium fluid of the ocean.

But the titanium steel alliance of Zap’s body would give away quickly.

Again his thoughts wandered.

Zap had no recollection at all about how he had managed to get away from Krongghoul the Dumb. After being first misdirected by an Evilboto with shifty eyes and then short-changed by an online location service, he had finally reached Transcrap.

Shrouded in thick banks of pestilential fog, the sun never shines on Transcrap, the obscure. Torrential rains of sulphuric acid hit the absurdly formed peaks of the Transcrappian Andes and rush through deep-cut canyons into the boiling sea.

"To the Grotto, please!"

Without even checking into a hotel he had directly hired a taxi to the Grotto of Doom. The driver, a malodorous Masstar, drove fast and silently. The road followed the rugged terrain with endless switchbacks and tunnels. After a couple of hours they reached a point on a high cliff overlooking the seething sea. The driver stopped and pointed to a narrow footpath dropping off the road. Zap paid the exorbitant sum displayed on the meter and headed for the path.

The steep and slippery track was leading down to the sea. Zap had to concentrate very hard not to stumble. A fall into the sea would have meant certain death and dissolution.

Finally he reached a small platform with an entrance to a cave. A weather-beaten sign read “Grotto of Doom – enter at your own risk”. Zap heard a whooshing sound. Before he could turn around his senses turned off. The last impression before his systems went on stand-by was the smell of a stun gun.

When he had regained consciousness he found himself in this absurd position, hanging from his wrists over the sea.

Zap looked down again to check the level of the sea. Another meter and the waves would touch him. He noticed a few stains of incrusted dirt on the breastplate, just below the nothing batch. “Ah no, I will die a dirty robot! What a shame. If only I could clean myself and face the ultimate trial as a true, neat Machinofreak!”

Have some mud

There was a sharp whistling sound and something landed on his head with a thud. After a moment the thing started to move. “What’s that? Come down and show your face, if you call yourself a robot!” he challenged the creature. He was very angry because he could neither see the top of his head nor use his hands to remove what was up there. He heard the whistling noise again, this time followed by some sort of drawn-out meowing. Finally the creature moved down on Zap’s shoulders. It looked like a rodent with sharp teeth, pink plastic fur and a short blue tail. It held on to Zap’s polished surface without visible effort. Zap noticed little suckers on its feet.

With large black eyes the creature looked at Zap and asked, “May I eat that delicious mud?”

Zap was too surprised to answer and the little furry animal started to move around on his body, removing mud stains, some of which Zap had not even noticed.

On this inhospitable planet even flakes of mud from the Dungeon of Vomics must be a delicacy, thought Zap. When the creature had finished its meal, it climbed back on Zap’s shoulder and said politely: “Thank you! My name is Zonic. I am a Pedgepog. Nice to have met you. Goodbye!”

“Wait,” cried Zap, “please wait! Can you help me to get away from here?”

In a few minutes Zonic’s sharp teeth had ground through the fetters, and Zap’s arms were free again. He nearly fell down into the boiling waves below him but managed to get a grip on the rocks with the piton tool incorporated in his hands.

Zap climbed carefully up behind Zonic and reached the entrance to the Grotto. He scanned the surroundings suspiciously. The mysterious attacker might still be around, specially if it was a guard protecting the Runes. Zonic seemed busy. The little creature waved goodbye and disappeared further up the mountain.

Zap entered slowly and watchfully the Grotto. After a narrow corridor the walls suddenly moved back and opened to a vast hall, illuminated by an opening high up in the wall. What took Zap’s attention was a very big trunk in the middle of the Grotto. Something was written on the trunk in crude letters. Zap tried to decipher the words: "R. o. B. …. Welkom….Zop….no, Welkome Zap."

“Impossible!” Zap exclaimed. “Who could possibly know that I am coming?”

Zap gave a start as suddenly, with a bang, the lid of the trunk flew open. Fireworks came racing out of the trunk and – Zap couldn’t believe his eyes – out of the trunk jumped Spot, Spacefox and all the other members of nothing. Even Jigger, the strange worm from the bar, was there. They were all singing “Happy Birthday, dear Zap!” and Jelly produced a huge birthday cake.

“Yes, it has all been a big birthday present for you. There are no Runes, dear Zap!” explained Spot.

„I will short-circuit you all!“ Zap yelled, furious sparks flying from his eye slits. But as the bots continued singing and cheering, he had to laugh, too. “Thanks, bots boys! What a bunch of adventures I’ve had. That is the most incredible birthday present I’ve ever got!”

Zap was very touched. Exactly five years had passed since he left the Machinofreaks and joined Spot on the nothing mission. That day, when he decided that life had to be more than just a plain existence as a rocket engine, that day had truly been his birthday.

Then they sat down to eat the cake and sing the Groox song:

There was a Groox in heaven.

It counted only up to seven.

Blood it drank and steel it ate,

Meeting nothing was its fate.