HOT NIGHT AT BARThe glamorous ‘Status Bar’ in Colampus City will be completely rebuilt on a larger scale and more sophisticated than before, the owners of the establishment announced today. What caused the tremendous blaze that completely destroyed the legendary bar remains unclear. Eyewitness reports are inconsistent and the exact course of events might never be completely elucidated. All concerned parties seem to be protecting themselves with twisted distortions. Supernova Express investigated and found the following inconsistencies. sf. All observers present that night at the establishment agree only on one point – the beginning of the evening was animated and lively. All were enjoying themselves wildly in a pulsating, vibrant atmosphere. The blond Plasmettes were wobbling their feelers gracefully on the dancing floor. In dimly lit corners, people were reading text from their cell-phone screens in the popular illegal gambling scheme “GuesWat”. The music sounded crystal clear at 130 decibel, and drinks were flowing amply. Many were already hallucinating uncontrollably. Murk WildShortly after twelve, Murk Wild, the Status Bar’s assistant manager, noticed four newcomers in the bar. The group was made up of an “arrogant, emerald-headed Bannerman, a Cornok individual with a heavy Transcrap accent, a salacious Mogmoroni and another somewhat mean-looking Bannerman.” As became known later, they had managed to bribe the jerk-deflection bouncer system at the entrance to gain access. By that time, around 900 guests and 127 staff were gathered in the Status Bar. Almost immediately, the big Cornok started to molest one of the pretty Plasmettes with vulgar expletives. Spacefox, a vulpic individual belonging to the renowned nothing research team, was standing nearby and interfered on behalf of the girl. The Cornok continued to make crude remarks and tried to strike Spacefox, who dodged the attack and hit strongly back. The Cornok tumbled down, pulling a few guests with him, and for a fraction of a second, the entire bar fell silent. Then pandemonium broke out. Chairs and tables were flung and blows traded liberally. In Wild’s words: "It was just mayhem." Spacefox and the nothing team fought bravely against adversaries that largely outnumbered them. As nothing was cornered and struggling hard, a Jigosaurus named Jigger took off the heat by knocking the two ugliest Bannermen flat with the help of a flowerpot. The flowerpot had to be hospitalized, but is reported in stable conditions now. The fracas continued for nearly half an hour until a female guest suddenly became aware that a clone of her was also participating in the brawl. Enraged, she pulled a mini flamethrower from her handbag and attacked her double. The decoration immediately caught fire and panic broke out. The heat generated by the blaze destroyed the security camera equipment installed in the hall, making identification of the occupants impossible. Murk Wild, who escaped the incident unscathed, has refused to comment on the identities of those wounded and arrested. Jigger and the nothing team were seen leaving the battlefield together in a nifty spacerocket of the latest built shortly before the police arrived. A Barbot speaks outMr. Pillsbury, who was serving as Barbot at the bar that night, has a different view of the events. At 11:30 pm, there was a brief stir when a group of six orange-clad individuals entered the bar. They were very different from each other, some robot, some not. The tallest one, whom the others called “Spot”, tried to hang his jacket on a coat-stand not realizing that what he thought was a coat-stand was in fact a Glooney. The misunderstanding was due to two reasons, first that Glooneys look like tree stumps with only a few short branches left, and second that Spot was wearing sunglasses in the dimly-lit bar. In spite of these good reasons, the Glooney took offence and – Glooneys being very martial by nature – tried to start a fight with Spot. The latter, however, took it very calmly, apologised politely and moved on to the bar. The ambiance gained momentum again and quickly reached a new peak of exuberance. One of the six “Men in Orange“, a stocky blue guy, ordered chi-beer for all, then hollered: “Hey Dexxter, remember those Glooneys on Ypong, how we told them a lesson? “ |
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Dexxter, a huge robot with an iron expression, replied: “True, Zap. And how we destroyed the Groox in the smock patch. Ha. Ha.” At this moment an individual, who looked like a Bracosid and had been quietly smoking at the end of the bar, politely cleared his throat and said: “Please allow I present meself. Name is Jigger. Friends call me Burrmognomallistscrivicz. I hear you are speaking ‘bout Groox. Very interesting subject.” After a moment he added: “I keep Groox as pet at home. Name Gronky. Took me long time, much patience and a little brutality to house-train him.” In the silence that followed his words, you could hear the metallic click of a jaw dropping open. Then Zap belched loudly, ordered another round of chi-beer and asked: “Do you know it was me who created the myth that you become a millionaire by spilling hot coffee onto your groin?” Jigger replied: ”Ah, a nice myth. I like myths. That’s why I launched the myth of a big flood that destroyed almost all life. Also invented Marxism. Was a very useful device to bring some speed into technological evolution, through motivation of an arms race. Really, was a piece of art: ‘Nothing to lose but your chains…Dictatorship of the proletariat… wage slavery…’ – superb!” A very small, green person made a beeping sound, rose a little higher above his stool and said: “My most useful invention, may I say, was the invention of God as an accountant that would keep meticulously track of all actions, good and evil, and pay out generous rewards for those closing with an active balance.” Great menJigger nodded: “Nice work, yes. Me personally, the achievement I most proud of is creating the Universe.” Spot tilted slightly his head and remarked: “Hum, we would of course never doubt the word of a gentleworm like yourself, but just for the sake of curiosity, let me ask you a question. Is there any evidence that you really are the author of the Universe?” Jigger enthusiastically replied: ”Oh yes! You know bosons? Of course, the elementary particles that make up atoms! Well, every boson carries my signature. You can perceive my signature when you collide bosons in PERC-Cyclotron. Universe became slightly unstable because of my signature. But I could not resist signing my work. Added enough dark matter, so Universe still has a lifespan of 22 billion years.” A Jellofros, who had been silent so far, thoughtfully asked: “But, before you created the Universe, where were we? And where were you yourself?” Jigger suddenly seemed very busy scratching a stain in front of him on the bar. Zen blushed slightly and said: ”Ehm, the thing is… I made a little mistake when I invented ‘thinking’ and because of this flaw, this question can’t be answered with logical thought.” According to the Barbot, the six men from nothing and their newly found companion continued their conversation in a cordial manner till they left together at 1:30am. The blaze was caused by a faulty circuit in the sound-cancelling system of the bar area. It must be noted that Mr. Pillsbury has friendly relations with this group and might be biased in favour of them.
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